Lara on Rice Krispies

"Crack snapple pop."

Lara on The Exhilarating Experience that is Life

"Many apologies for not updating my blog. Life is boring."

Lara on being Furtive

"Well, I was at home, and there was an ice cream truck, and I went in the bathroom and tried to spy on it."

Lara on Humor

*Kira attempts to blog something witty*

"Just say cookies...leave the wittines to me."

Lara on Girl Scout Cookies

Lara found this in her personal vault of recorded Laraisms (which is approximately one acre in area; only a small fragment get published on this very modest blog)



Translation: I can't remember what to say at the door when I come to solicit fund-raising cookies, so I'm going to write it down on a piece of paper that I can read. Much easier.

Lara on Girl Scout Cookies

Lara found this in her personal vault of recorded Laraisms (which is approximately one acre in area; only a small fragment get published on this very modest blog)



Translation: I can't remember what to say at the door when I come to solicit sweet female organization pastries, so I'm going to write it down on a piece of paper that I can read. Much easier.

Lara on...something something blah blah tweezers

"Six pairs of kjewroij4rmclj tweezers."

Kira: What?

"I don't even know."

LARA SIGHTING

WHO: LARA QWERTYUIOP AND SOMETHING ON HER HEAD
WHAT: A PERSON WITH AN UNUSUAL PROPENSITY FOR SPITTING OUT HILARITIES, AND SOMETHING ON HER HEAD
WHERE: PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN CANADA
WHY: WE HAVE YET TO DETERMINE THE MOTIVE
HOW: APPARENTLY SHE'S SINGING TO IT.

Lara on Spending Money Wisely

*describing tale of a pair of boots that Lara did not manage to snag from Goodwill*

John: So what'd you learn from this?

"Buy stuff without thinking!"

Laraisms Guest Speaker #3

We are proud to present you with our third guest speaker on Laraisms, Lillie!

Mr. K: What's your superpower?

Lillie: Patience.

(Someone else): What's your superpower?

Lillie: Patience.

John: What's your superpower?

Lillie (louder, with fists): Patience!!!!!!!

Lara on Paying Attention

"I hate it when I space out and something important is happening."

Lara on Her Favorite Store

"I love Von's. If Von's were a person, I'd definitely date it."

Lara on Promises

"Let's pinky swear."

(Kira and Lara pinky swear)

Kira: What did we just swear on?

"I dunno, I thought you knew."

A now, a full-length episode!

Setting: A Steak N' Shake
When: After a performance at the school
Key People: Dani, Allistair, Izzy, Annie, Emma, Lara, David

*Lara leaves seat to go to bathroom. Izzy sees that she has left her purse. She takes it and hands it down to Allistair. Lara returns.*

(Simultaneously) Allistair: What am I doing with this? *holds up purse*
Lara: Where's my purse?
Emma: *throws Allistair a meaningful glare*

Izzy: Lara, you didn't have a purse.

Lara: Yes, I did. I left it right here.

Emma: No, you didn't, Lara.

Lara: Yes, I did!

Izzy: Oh, no. She probably left it in David's car.

Emma: Lara, did you leave your purse in the car?

Lara: NO, I left it right here!

Izzy: Lara, there wasn't a purse here.

Lara: Yes, there was!

Annie: I'll call David. *As Izzy and Emma snicker, Annie calls David* Hey, David, did Lara leave her purse in your car? (beat) Can you check in the back? (beat) Okay, thanks. *hangs up* He says it's not there.

Emma: *laughing* Did you really call him?

Annie: Yeah.

Izzy and Emma: *cracking up* (whispering) He doesn't have it!

Annie: *glares* Oh. *calls David back* David? (beat) Yeah, nevermind. *hangs up*

Lara: Where's my purse?!?

Izzy: Did you even have it, Lara?

Lara: Yes, it was right here! It's a little denim purse, about this big *makes a shape with her hands*

Allistair: *holds up denim shoulder strap* Like this?

Lara: Yes! *takes shoulder strap* Where's the rest?

Izzy: All right, Allistair. Are you holding the rest of her imaginary purse ransom?

Allistair: Why would I hold her purse for ransom if it has all of her money in it?

Lara: (now in complete realization that she's being messed with) There are also Tic-Tacs!

Izzy: I've never seen this purse before. This strap is all I've seen of it.

Lara: It's not a strap! It's a ghetto belt!

Izzy: *takes strap and puts in it on like a belt* I like this! It really accentuates my curves!

Lara: Where's my purse?

Izzy: Okay, guys. This is no longer a shoulder strap, it is apparently a ghetto belt.

Lara: Where's my purse?

Izzy: Okay, I'll call David back. *pretends to call David* Hey, David? (beat) Yeah, can you look again? Apparently what we found was not a shoulder strap, but a ghetto belt.

Lara: You know it's not really a belt...

Izzy: *continues* (beat) You sure? (beat) Did you look under the seat? (beat) Okay, thanks.

Allistar: Hey, anyone want a Tic-Tac?

Lara: Oh, I'll have one.

Izzy: What else have you got in your purse, Lara?

Lara: Uhm... there's band-aids!

*conversation goes nowhere for a while*

Allistair: OW, I cut my finger!

Dani: Good thing you've got those band-aids, Allistair.

Allistair: Yeah! *gives some to Lara* Here, have some band-aids.

Izzy: What else do you have, Lara?

Lara: There's some lip gloss in there.

Allistair: Like this? *pulls out Burt's Bees Lip Gloss*

Lara: Yeah.

Emma: Wow, I didn't know you wore that flavor, Allistair!

Izzy: Hey, Lara, isn't that the same kind you have?

Lara: Yeah, it is!

Allistair: What a coincidence!

Emma: Lara, is your cell phone in there?

Lara: Yeah, it is, but it's dead.

Allistair: Aw... looks like my cell phone's dead.

Izzy: Hey, Lara, isn't that the same style of your cell phone?

Lara: Yeah!

Emma: Hey, Lara, do you have your car keys? I can't find mine.

Lara: Yeah, they're in my purse.

Emma: Hey, Allistair, do you have my keys in your purse?

Allistair: Lemme see. Hey, yeah!

Dani: *sees the heart keychain* That's a nice keychain, Allistair.

Emma: What's it say on there, Allistair? *takes keychain* Hey, Allistair, I never knew your middle name was Lara!

Allistair: Yes, that's me, Allistair Lara *******.

Izzy: Hey, Emma, look at my recent calls list.

Emma: David's not on there!

Izzy: That's really weird!

Emma: Can you delete them? That's really weird!

Lara: Well, there's nothing left in my purse.

Dani: *drops purse on Lara's head*

Allistair: Hey, look! Is that your purse?!?

THE END

A LARAISMS GUEST SPEAKER

*Emma is reading Twilight out loud*

Emma: (in a very high-pitched voice) "A table for two?" Her voice...

"HIS voice!"

*Emma looks at page, realizes she has just said Edward's line in the waitress' voice, and covers her eyes in shame. After much laughing...*

Emma: (in an incredibly deep voice) "A table for two?"

Lara on Breathing

*Emma places herself on top of Lara's arm*

"You're on my arm! I can't breathe!"

Dad: You don't need your arm to breathe.

"Says you!"

Lara on Laraisms

"You can't just ask me to say Laraisms... I just kind of puke them up, in the words of Sam. She was trying to say a Samism, and she just said, 'I can't do it. You just kind of puke them up.' I'm like, wow, that's a nice visual, Sam."

*Lara makes a puking noise and gestures with her hands*

"Blllllaaaargh... corn!"

Lara on Removing Plants from the House

"Don't worry... it's supposed to do that."

*stuff falls off of chandelier*

"That means that you're doing it right."

Lara on Phrasing

"Yeah, my walls are sorta covered in crap."

Emma: Yeah. They are covered in crap.

"No! Only I can say that. To you, it's 'creative junk'."

NEWS UPDATE: LARA SIGHTING

There has been a Lara sighting! At 12:42 a.m. this morning, Lara was spotted dancing to crazy music on stage at Elliot Hall. Apparently, a civilian with a video camera caught a brief recording of the amazing spectacle, which we are now privileged to watch. The civilian declined to give their name.

Lara on Typos

OH NORD!

(Meaning: OH NOES!)

BONUS: A Laraisms Guest Speaker

Anastasia: "Joe doesn't want to travel. You and I'll travel!"
John: "Sounds good. We can be Canadians!"

Lara on Foreign Lands

"GGGGGGUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM."

Lara on Intellect

"I FEELS BRAINS!"

Lara on Visiting Monkey Preservations

"I"M HOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMME!"

Lara on Bivalves

"What're they called? Double hinges?"

Lara on Swimming

"We discovered that chickens do not swim well.

We gave them floaty wings."

Lara on Alternatives

"If you duct tape two chickens together, they are like a piggy. This is the plan:

Tyler: piggy
Sister Marie: piggy
The Shark: piggy
Edmundo: two chickens
Little Ingrid: two chickens.

We think this will work out well."

Lara on Pokes

"I feel poked!"

Lara on The Way Kira Dresses

"HOBO CLOTHZ."

Lara on Intelligent Conversations

"But you guys are talking all anti-hero and I'm just like, 'uuuuuuugh.'"

Lara on the Power of Laughter

I enjoy bringing LOLs to the otherwise boring life of America's youth.

Lara on Episode Previews

(looking at episode preview clip for 'Trash')

"Is Mal wearing pants?"

Emma: "No."

"He just likes to walk around wearing no pants?

(episode starts)

*snicker* Pants are not mandatory here."

Lara on French

Monsieur: "Comment dit-on (How do you say...) 'How much is the grapefruit juice', Lara?"

"I don't know; I don't buy grapefruit juice."

Monsieur: "No, Lara, translate."

Lara on Apologies

(say with mumble) "Missouri."

Lara on Tom Sawyer

"WHAT THE HUCK?!"

As seen here.

Lara on Quotes

"I should follow Kira around so that every time I say something funny she can write it down."

Lara on Papyrus

"I thought it was some kind of weird fruit I'd never heard of."

Lara on Jingles

"Wheatios will make you choke. Wheatios are in second-hand smoke."

Lara on Distressed Marshmallows

"Stale Marshmallow, don't cry!" Fire ant said and then burst into...well, fire.

Lara on the Rennaisance

"A Faire…is like a Fair only with an E on the end."

Lara on Cakes

"Let's make mini-cakes!"

Fran: "Do you mean cupcakes?"

"No, not cupcakes. Just really small cakes."

Lara on High Heels

"I don't know where my knees are!"

Emma: "They're in the same place!"

"Yes, but they're higher."

Lara on Manicures

"It's a French manicure. I thought she was saying "fringe" for the longest time. It made sense. Fringe. Like... the edge of your nail."

Lara on Cell Phones

(hears phone ringing, look incredibly surprised) "My phone is ringing!"

Emma: "Yes, Lara, that's what happens when you actually turn it on."

Lara on Spelling Bees

"The only thing that motivates me, besides the glory of a ribbon and a pat on the back, is the fact that last year's national champion got to be one of the audience spellers in the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee."

Lara on New CDs

(about the Les Miserables Original French Concept CD)

"I love my new CD.

It now seems to be Fantine's Arrest. I DON'T CARE THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM! SHUTTUP! I can tell little snippits...and the tunes! So...I'll eventually be able to sing the whole CD in French...even though I can't understand what I'm saying. WHOA! That part was really cool. And I understood what Javert just said. W00t."

Lara on Criticism

(talking about Les Miserables)

"...instead of dying at "pup...grows-*boom!*", it was something like...err...."trust Gavroche, count to ten. *boom!*"

Lara on Protests

"I say we build a barricade."

Lara on Joints and Lung Functions

(eating at a restaurant) Dad: "Why are the elbows always in my face?"

Lara: "'Cuz I have the hiccups!"

Lara on Footsie

John: "Who's playing footsie with me?"

"Emma... no, wait... that's me."

Lara on Body Heat

Emma X: (waking up to realize she is falling off the bed) "Lara... why are you in my bed?!?"

"I got cold."

Emma X: "... get out."

Lara on Sleeptalking

Emma X: "I mean, you have to be so righteous in your ability to..."

(suddenly waking up) "Righteous!"

Kira: "Go back to sleep, Lara."

"I'm totally awake."

Kira: "How much did you hear?"

"Something about righteousness." (goes back to sleep)

Lara on Hidey Holes

*thump* *bang* *thud* "Hehe... dust bunnies."

Lara on the Male Appeal

"It helps if they have a brain...and working thumbs."

Lara on Recreation

"I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger...then it hit me."

Lara on Spandex Socks

"I'm Superman!"

Lara on the Big Issues

"Why is Dove chocolate and soap? I mean, I don't want to eat soap, and I don't want to wash myself with chocolate."

Kira: "Who doesn't want to wash themself with chocolate? Weirdo."

Lara on Free Trade Chocolate

"I wonder if Dove is free-range chocolate."

Lara on Carrie Underwood

"What'd she say? Jesus ate the whale?"

Mrs. K: "No, Lara, the whale ate Jonah."

Lara on Saliva

"Uh-oh...Drool!"

Lara on Altoids

*gag* *coughs Altoid across airport*

Lara on Superheroes

Kira: "Look, an old man in an Oldsmobile."

"Quick! To the Old Cave!"

Lara on Bare Feet

"Ow, my shoes!"

Lara on Help

"Hold on...corn!"

Lara on Fast Food

"D'you have any cheesy chicken nuggets?"

McDonald's Man: "No, I'm afraid we don't have any cheesy chicken nuggets."

"Oh. Do you have the regular kind?"